I Can't Stop Crying :)

So, this is the first time for me LOL. I thought maybe I'd just try this personals thing out to see if it works, haha. Well, first, or course -- no weirdos. That's not what I'm into.

So, a little about me, though. I'm cute and curvy and I can't stop crying. I have a good job that I like and tears are constantly coming out of my eyes. I like watching sports and having a few beers and it's not only my eyes but every part of my body that I'm crying from lol. I have brown air, I'm 5'4" and I think I'm going to drown soon because I'm stuck on the second floor of my house and can't get out because the tears have risen up to the baseboards below. I listen to most kinds of music and I like to go dancing and I think my body is filling with water, too, LOL because the tears flow both ways. I say what I think and I have lost all my belongings to the constant rising tide. I love going to the movies and all of my organs are enormous ducts that flood everything around me like the hoover dam of pain haha.

BTW you should be at least 6' and have a good job, no loafers. Don't live with your mom. Please, no penis pics. Please be an industrial strength wet vac or former sewage draining vehicle in search of an LTR. No sponges -- I don't have time for that.

Can you Imagine a Nutless World? Because I can't. In Fact, I Love Nuts

Sure I was lonely, but what with the peanut butter strike coming to an end and the peanut butter boys heading back to work, I was now on the verge of debuting a sensational peanut butter cookie in our bakery.

That is, until a customer barged in and demanded that we open another bakery –

“Another bakery?” I asked.

“A nut free bakery!” she cooed.

Yes, "nut-free," I mused. I could see it now: A wondrous place where people with nut allergies could experience all of our tasty offerings without being rushed to the hospital, helpless and puffy like an almond croissant – without the almonds.

Wait a second. No almonds? This isn’t my bakery – it’s a nightmare.

Immediately, I felt like pointing out that it would never be a truly “nut-free” bakery so long as she was there. But I had to be cautious because this woman was clearly a genuine allergy Nazi – a rare and dangerous breed of wild customer.

Yet, I couldn’t keep her animal rage at bay. I stood there in awe as she audaciously requested, in all seriousness, that I invest in a wholly separate facility to cater to the “no-nut” niche – as if my wallet were an endless extension of the US economy.

That’s not all either: she wasn’t a mere run-of-the-mill “nut-free” nut passively on the prowl for no-nut treats. Oh, no – she cross-examined our baked goods, one eye at the end of a telescope aggressively aimed at our pastry case. Yes, she practically held us at gunpoint, demanding proof written in type O blood, just to guarantee her that not even the tiniest speck of peanut dust had "contaminated" her child's precious little nutless cupcake – or anything at all within a 12 mile radius.

"Peanut dust?" I asked her.

“It’s like cat dander,” she said. “Except it’s nuts.”

It’s nuts, alright, I thought.

She claimed that even the tiniest molecule of peanut dust could cause her child's airways to narrow, his tongue to swell – such that he might lose consciousness, die, or cause a negligible nuclear incident in a small village in Sudan.

That was rather bleak. I know someone in that village.I considered suggesting she purchase a bubble for her son, as it might be more affordable than erecting an entire nut-free enterprise, just so that her son can nosh on one “nut-free” cookie for the rest of his life.

Would you believe that lady? If you know what I'm talking about, cum nibble nuts with me for free at my nut-infused bakery. Pic for pic.

A Dry Heave Rushes Across The Fields

I cough up blood, sinks,
and directions to my house.
Come, AND BRING THE SPONGE.

Skullfucking Without The Skull

You, me.

No fatties.

Assitance Needed

My soul has grown extra limbs. It started as what I thought were gas pains. When I saw the doctor, he suspected cancer, tumors. Scans revealed nothing.

Soon, though, the pain got worse, and out of my eyes and ears and nostrils and my mouth and my anus came long arms with teeth.

They are invisible to the naked eye, but they nevertheless swing all about me swatting at the people near by.

My soul's eight limbs steal things at the grocery store and bodega without my knowing. When I get home at the end of the day, my body is full of candies and pens that I have unwittingly absconded with.

Who wants to get close enough to let my octosoul steal their heart?

I feel it swimming around inside me, my soul, and it is building a nest out of my organs. It is building a place to sit on your heart and hatch it. It has moved my lungs and my spleen and my appendix to a place just behind my intestines and it is molding it all into a hovel that I know, eventually, I will have to enter as well.

Will you hold my bellybutton open while I crawl into myself?

Let Me Have Your Feet

I am willing to buy or trade, up to $50 hands down, or I have some time shares that might interest you.

I don't take single toes, and no heels, please.

The Weather Is Eating Us

The Fall showed up this weekend with fork in hand and said to me, "You know the drill. Lie Down so I can eat you, crap you out again, and mold you into a new person."

Being chewed by Fall's breezy teeth and then sliding down his sweatery throat is one of my favorite ways of being consumed. (I also don't mind becoming pure liquid in Summer's Cuisinart and then being tossed down like an energy drink before being shot out of his squishy pits and lower back.) And once you're in Falls' stomach, there's cocoa and some good books to read, maybe even spiced wine if you're lucky, and --not to mention -- Indigestion, a shriveled crone from Staten Island who can prattle on about nearly any old thing so long as he's got enough Tums Chewables.

Now, being crapped out by the Fall isn't always the best, but it brings back memories of what it was like to be formless at least! His hands are cold, crunchy, and made entirely of leaves, so when the Fall molds us back into a person -- straight out of the crap that we are -- it feels pretty great like exfoliating a bit with a brick to the face.

So, get back to me if you want to surprise the Fall sometime with something exciting, like a sprinkling of salt or going out for a beer, or jumping it from behind with chloroform.