Sure I was lonely, but what with the peanut butter strike coming to an end and the peanut butter boys heading back to work, I was now on the verge of debuting a sensational peanut butter cookie in our bakery.
That is, until a customer barged in and demanded that we open another bakery –
“Another bakery?” I asked.
“A nut free bakery!” she cooed.
Yes, "nut-free," I mused. I could see it now: A wondrous place where people with nut allergies could experience all of our tasty offerings without being rushed to the hospital, helpless and puffy like an almond croissant – without the almonds.
Wait a second. No almonds? This isn’t my bakery – it’s a nightmare.
Immediately, I felt like pointing out that it would never be a truly “nut-free” bakery so long as she was there. But I had to be cautious because this woman was clearly a genuine allergy Nazi – a rare and dangerous breed of wild customer.
Yet, I couldn’t keep her animal rage at bay. I stood there in awe as she audaciously requested, in all seriousness, that I invest in a wholly separate facility to cater to the “no-nut” niche – as if my wallet were an endless extension of the US economy.
That’s not all either: she wasn’t a mere run-of-the-mill “nut-free” nut passively on the prowl for no-nut treats. Oh, no – she cross-examined our baked goods, one eye at the end of a telescope aggressively aimed at our pastry case. Yes, she practically held us at gunpoint, demanding proof written in type O blood, just to guarantee her that not even the tiniest speck of peanut dust had "contaminated" her child's precious little nutless cupcake – or anything at all within a 12 mile radius.
"Peanut dust?" I asked her.
“It’s like cat dander,” she said. “Except it’s nuts.”
It’s nuts, alright, I thought.
She claimed that even the tiniest molecule of peanut dust could cause her child's airways to narrow, his tongue to swell – such that he might lose consciousness, die, or cause a negligible nuclear incident in a small village in Sudan.
That was rather bleak. I know someone in that village.I considered suggesting she purchase a bubble for her son, as it might be more affordable than erecting an entire nut-free enterprise, just so that her son can nosh on one “nut-free” cookie for the rest of his life.
Would you believe that lady? If you know what I'm talking about, cum nibble nuts with me for free at my nut-infused bakery. Pic for pic.